Wish List

  1. Diamond Jewelry Suite
  2. Vacation in the sun at a beach
  3. Israel
  4. Australia
  5. Shoes that don’t hurt my feet
  6. Lust
  7. Love, preferably the lust object
  8. To be 40 again
  9. Motorcycle
  10. Leathers
  11. Wool Crepe pants
  12. Lose weight
  13. Plastic surgery
    1. Tummy tuck
    2. Boobs
    3. Arms and legs
    4. FACE Lift
    5. Hair transplant

Sharks and snarks

Watching Shark Week.  Sharks are awesome, amazing critters, but Mike Rowe is… is… yummy.  A dream..,  I wouldn’t kick him outta bed for eating crackers.  I find him absolutely enthralling.  It’s not just his looks, but his sense of humor and that impish look he has.  John Cena has that same sense of humor and impish look.  That’s probably more important than anything – if you have a good sense of humor, life is good.

Spent the day once again trying to correct someone else’s screw-ups.  If people did their jobs instead of sloughing it off so that other people have to pick up their crap, then they might actually have to work for a living.

It’s difficult at times to write stuff about people without mentioning names. Sigh.  Discretion is the better part of writing, I guess.  It’s also better for keeping your job and not making enemies with more enmity than they already have.

When I left private industry, I thought all the the nonsense and politics would be left behind, or at least lessened.  I forgot the basic tenet that people are people no matter where they are (except maybe… um… er… a Tibetan monastery?  an desert island?).

Dating and the Older Widow

Just read a post from an acquaintance about dating.  Oy – brings back some weird memories.

My first effort at dating was through one of the dating sites.  He posted about Rockaway Beach, and I used to live there, so we started chatting on-line, then “the meeting”.  He was older than I was, and looked it.  Terrible teeth, although he said he was undergoing dental work.  We walked to Chelsea Piers and sat down at a place there.  It was OK, but nothing special. 

Then there was the motorcycle guy.  This one was jdate, I think.  He was about my age, young looking, motorcycle, and all that.  We spoke on the phone, and things seemed to be going well.   Then it happened – we were supposed to meet and do something, but there was a conflict with something for my kids.  I called him to tell him what happened, and I hoped we could reschedule.  His comment to me was that he wanted someone who would put him first, and didn’t think that this was not right for him.  Bye bye.

Next comes the ex-fiance.  Yep.  I was engaged to this guy my first year out of college.  It was a mistake.  My parents were running around getting a place for the wedding, he was pushing to look for furniture, and I just wasn’t ready.  I liked him well enough, but we had not been intimate then.  Probably if we had, I wouldn’t have gotten engaged.  I broke the engagement, and tried to tell him that it was me, not him.  Not sure if he understood.   Cut to 30 years (or so) later.  I find his name on a website, and email him, apologizing for breaking the engagement and all that.  He emails me back and we start cooresponding.  He is a widower(!) with a grown son,  I am a widow with 2 children.  Oy shidduch!  Such a match!    We went out, spent time together, I slept over.  We tried to be intimate.  Well, it was wasn’t working, or rather, he wasn’t working.  the spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak.  “This never happened before – I had no trouble with the lady I was seeing in Florida” he said. 

It didn’t last.  He was retired and looking for a place in Florida.  I was firmly rooted in NY with my kids and job.  He sent me an email.  The only thing tackier than an email breakup would be a text breakup.  but what he said in the email was true.  I was not looking to move to Florida, and he was.  I was busy all day and he wasn’t.  So that was the end of that…. or was it?

The next in my distinguished history of widow-dating was an old co-worker.  Also found him on line.  He was divorced, and lived in NJ.  We met at Liberty Science Center. and it was the beginning of a  wonderful time.  However, there were signs that this was not going to be a permanent relationship.  He was working at a store with his sister andher husband.  It wasn’t a fancy store – shipping, printing, that kind of stuff.  Barely squeaking by.  One day, there was a status on his chat “going to save my house”.  I asked him about that, thinking that there was a fire in the area or something like that.  He kind of sluffed it off, saying it was nothing.  I think he was refinancing his townhouse, because the payments were too big.  I’m not a gold-digger by any means, but I would like to do things that cost money sometimes, and I was afraid to suggest them.  Also I am getting near the time I can retire, and would like to go out and do stuff, travel, and whatever.  I didn’t see that for him.  He would probably be working for the rest of his life.  And he had no friends.  His social life consisted of his (married) kids and their families.  Something wrong with that.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the words to tell him why I didn’t see want to see him anymore.  Another regret.

So now, I’m off dating altogether – Match, Jdate, Chemistry – all gone.  I spent too much time and money on basically nothing   It seems that the guys around my age are looking for a) a poopsie, or b) a woman with no responsibilites, who can take off at the drop of a hat.   The men older seem to be looking for a nurse. 

If there is a lid for my pot, he’s gonna have to look for me.  But I’m here.

Random Thoughts

Why do all the TV shows have commercials at the same time?

When does the empty nest feeling abate?

Why am I so afraid of change?

I wish I were 50 again.  I feel so old at times physically, but mentally, there are times when I think I’m 25.

I want lust and passion in a relationship, but I am afraid of it.  I don’t think I can abandon myself to it.

Yoga and me

For the first time in a long while, I took a yoga class.  Oy.  There are so many things in my life I regret and not exercising regularly is one of them.  I used to work out 3-4 days a week, and then I got married.

Anyway, today’s class was the first one in a long time, and I still can’t do downward-facing dog.  My knees feel like they have been chewed up and spit out.  Achy breaky knees.  We did ooooo0000-aaaaaaaaaaaa-ommmmmmmmmmm and I felt the most amazing vibration in my abdomen while we were doing it.   It must have stimulated some chakra or something, but it felt so good.  So I’m going to continue with the exercise at the Y and the yoga at school.



Hello world!

Wow – a whole world out there and no one really knows who I am.  And probably no one will read this.  <sigh>  But that’s ok – I can write whatever I want without worrying about offending anyone.  It’s probably going to be rambles and whirlpools and tornadoes of thoughts and that’s ok.

I’m in the middle of the Mourning season.  My mom died on 2/2/87, and her birthday was 2/20, my husband died on 3/15/01, and his birthday was 4/26, and my dad died on 4/7/03 and his birthday is 5/29.  So I have 3 months to think about who I’ve lost, and mourn what could have been.

None of these deaths were sudden or unexpected.  My dad is the only one that had a good departure.  He was 92 and in the hospital for 10 days with liver failure from cancer when he died.  My mom had a stroke 8 months before she died and went out little by little.  My husband had a clivas chordoma (brain tumor) and died slowly, over the course of a year, while the tumor grew bigger and bigger and paralyzed him from the head down.  Hell of a way to go.  Sucks big time – and he was only 48.  Six weeks shy of his 49th birthday.  I am firmly convinced that the wrong brother was taken, but that’s my opinion, and I’m just saying.  Lots of bad feeling on my part for things he did and ways he acted both before and after his brother and then his mother’s death.  But his mother is worth another post all her own (not that she deserves it), but she was a piece of work.

and that’s about all for now.